Did your children estrange you? Or did you cut off your parents? No matter which side of the debate you are on, it was no doubt one of the most challenging decisions of your life.
Of course, there are two sides to every story. Adult children could be spoiled or ungrateful to leave their parents at a vulnerable age. On the other hand, they could be trying to save themselves from abusive and authoritarian parents.
It’s hard to determine who is right and who deserves the estrangement. However, the number of Americans who have separated from their families is growing alarmingly.
According to a news report by Deseret News, one in four Americans have distanced themselves from their family members. Before you start bad-mouthing the newer generation, let’s look at the biggest causes of children abandoning their parents and families.
Factors Leading to Parent-Child Estrangement
According to Rin Reczek, a sociology professor at Ohio State University, there might be a cultural shift leading people to be in control of who to include in their families. As people get to choose who they want to stay close to, they eliminate those who have caused bad experiences, even if they are your immediate family who raised them.
A study found that six percent of respondents are estranged from their mothers, while an alarming 26 percent are estrangement from their fathers. The rate of estrangement also varies according to gender, race, and ethnicity.
As marriage is an institution that consumes a lot of time and effort, married adults are more likely to cut off ties with relatives than their unmarried counterparts. Financial independence might also be a significant factor as children no longer need financial help from their parents.
Isolation from family is also affected by various factors that have been discussed below.
Gender of Parent and Child
Considering the gender of parents, mothers are often the primary caregivers for the young and spend many more hours connecting with children, leading to lesser estrangement rates.
On the other hand, fathers are likely to have less daily contact due to gendered responsibilities. Thus, conflict levels between children and fathers are higher, leading to estrangement. Sons are also more likely to alienate rather than daughters.
Race or Ethnicity
Family patterns in the US are racialized due to institutional racism and different cultural norms. Black adults are theoretically more connected to their mothers. Latine people adhere to the norms of a family more than White people.
Empirical work also suggests that Black and Latine individuals have a higher co-residence rate with parents. They also experience more interpersonal strains due to racism. White children have a higher chance of estrangement from their mothers but lower range of paternal separation.
Sexuality
Adult children belonging to the LQBTQ+ community are more likely to be estranged from their parents in comparison to heterosexual children. If a child belongs to a sexual minority community, they often have negative interactions and less contact with parents (especially fathers). Fathers are more likely to have a homophobic reaction to their children’s sexual identity.
The effort to maintain a healthy relationship with parents is a lot more, and they tend to have more consistent support from friends and peers.
Why Are Young Adults Cutting off their Parents?
Childhood abuse associated with toxic and controlling parents is also a leading cause behind people cutting off their ties with their parents or family. Narcissistic, controlling, and toxic parents are the major reasons behind such cases.
So let’s discuss some of the factors that lead emotionally scarred children to alienate their parents:
Toxic and Critical Parents
A toxic mother or father often leads to a dysfunctional family. Unnecessary defensiveness, anger issues, conflict, narcissism, and disrespect to children and spouses create ruptures in relationships, leading children to emotionally disconnect from the respective parent of the whole family.
Parents who seldom praise their children for accomplishments but always criticize every failure make children feel unsupported.
Child Abuse
Physically or sexually abused children are more likely to sever ties with their parents and show less empathy towards their abuser. Emotional abuse is also a major reason, as children often silently endure neglect as helpless beings but later detach themselves after attaining financial independence.
Different Values
A difference in values, beliefs, and choices also causes children to drift apart from their parents. Children who have been raised in conservative households grow up to see the reality and refuse to obey the unfair demands of their religion or culture.
Different views on religion, gender identity, or lifestyle choices can be examples of such cases.
While it is easy to drift apart from your family, it’s the hardest to connect back. Some adults reconcile in time, but some ties are severed for good. If you are a parent who has been cut off by your children, try to think from their perspective. What went wrong? Find out the hidden meaning beneath their excuses.
Likewise, if you have cut off your parents due to a minor issue that can be easily solved, communicate before it’s too late. Check back to see if any compromises can be made.
Lastly, to all those adults who have escaped from years of abuse and manipulation, it takes great courage to make the final decision, and I’m glad you did it sooner rather than later.
Comment below all your stories and how your relationship with your parents affected your later years.
1 Comment
Funny how the article claimed to be unbiased, then blamed parenting for everything. Nothing about the article was revealing in any fashion. No help for anyone. It is merely clickbait.